This isn't Middle Earth

But we may soon be ruled over by "The Elders", brought to you by Richard Branson and Peter "Shock the Monkey" Gabriel! Holy crap Peter has shocked a few too many monkeys and perhaps wielded one too many sledgehammers in his day. He's at the far left in the group photo. Look at the after and before!!

Report: Marbury says he'll play in Italy when Knicks deal expires

Italy's national IQ forecasted to plummet in 2009.

Coming soon to a bathroom near you

The Pizza Hut Double Roll!

Simpsonating

Nirav, Bates, Rekoumis, Mee Luench, and yours truly -- looking better than ever. Please do yourself a favor and create your own Simpsons avatar:

Workin hard for the money

``I had to look my best because I knew work would pick up,'' said Mendes, wearing a tight silver dress and black leggings. ``I was inspired by the gymnasts and the water ballet girls.''

Sensitive baseball GM's

Ichiro-gate continues between the Marlins and Mariners' executives and Bill Bavasi gets in a real good zinger:

QUARREL CONTINUES

The verbal sparring continued Friday in the aftermath of comments by Marlins president David Samson objecting to the Seattle Mariners for the five-year, $90 million contract the team awarded to All-Star outfielder Ichiro Suzuki.

Samson said the lucrative contract would ''take the sport down,'' among other things.

Mariners president Chuck Armstrong shot back on Thursday, saying, ``It strikes us as bizarre that Samson would go public and make such a statement.''

Added Mariners general manager Bill Bavasi on Friday: 'My mother always taught me that if the only thing you have to say is `[expletive] David Samson,' you shouldn't say anything at all. So I'm not going to say anything at all.''

Samson said Friday he is done discussing the issue.

Good point Chad

Today Chad Ford ripped into the Magic for the ridiculous contract they just gave Rashard Lewis and he was spot on:

In many cases, the battle between agent and general manager is not a fair fight. On one side you have the agent, a professional negotiator who spends all year thinking about how to drive up the player's price. On the other side you have GMs, many of whom are former players who have seldom handled negotiations. They usually had agents for that.

Isiah Thomas' sole job his entire life was to decimate his opponents on the basketball court. He was AWESOME at it. Meanwhile, his handlers took care of his contract, finances, unlimited supply of toilet paper, etc. He then went on to convince people he had the management skills to run the CBA...18 months later, the league declared bankruptcy. He is currently in control of the largest budget of any NBA team and, surprise, surprise, has shown a laughable lack of business acumen and positioned my Bulls for years of conference championships. I'll give him one thing -- since his job his whole life was as a basketball player, he does manage to find basketball talent pretty well via the draft (McGrady, Stoudamire, Camby, Ariza, Lee, Balkman).

But for the most part Isiah is a train wreck in his current profession and no one should be surprised. A similar situation would be Donald Trump getting rid of his lifetime private chef and then going on to prepare fusion cuisine delicacies himself at Nobu. Or like George W. Bush going from a pampered underachieving rich kid to President.

Oh.

Damn.

Run with butterflies, not bulls

A Buffet of Goodness

Quote of the day goes to Channing Frye:

On What He Brings to Portland: "I bring everything...a little personality, a little leadership, a little shooting, a little defense. I'm a buffet of goodness."

The Transformation of Robert Swift

Before

Ch-ch-ch-changes. "In addition to a couple of pounds, Swift also added more tattoos, including a machine gun on his right arm."

I'm focusing my prayers these days on the recovery of Robert Swift's knee so we can see the young SuperSonic in all his newfound Paul Bunyan glory next season.

After

Cream of the Fight? Who knew?

The Intern was singing Rocky soundtrack lyrics this morning and broke into "It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight, Rising up to the challenge of our rivals". I immediately called shenanigans and said there is no way the lyric is "cream of the fight" but the more sensible "thrill of the fight". Well, I was wrong. I'm not saying the theme song for a movie series about a down and out Italian-American boxer who goes on to end the Cold War has to have some internal logic. Well, yes, I am. What the F is the cream of the fight?!

Degenerate Yankee Fans

I had a grand ol' time at the Yankees-Twins game last night. A fat drunken mammal (species unclear) picked up his cell phone and started hysterically sobbing in front of us. My friends and I gave each other a few WTF? looks. Then, in a New York Minute, this dude blindly swings his sweaty drumstick of an arm towards your faithful writer's head. I parried the blow and it just grazed my noggin. Then the mammal starts yelling "What you laughin at?" while backing away from the large man he just grazed. His friends took him down the stairs, where he proceeded to yell at other fans and pick a few more fights (the entire stadium security staff must have had a well-deserved day off). He left to a chorus of boos.

Question of the day: who would I rather have a few quality one-on-one minutes with, this hippo Yankee fan or the slimeball who recently flashed my girlfriend on the subway? All kinds of critters come out of the woodworks in this fine city.

Family Unfriendly Entertainment

In case you had warm and fuzzy feelings about the state of the world today, let me bring you one of the more schocking (but not really surprising) stories I've seen in a while. This Palestinian Hamas-sponsored kids' show featured Farfour, a Mickey-Mouse lookalike who dabbles in jihadism. The show decided to send him off with a bang in the last episode and HAVE HIM KILLED on the show....by a dude DRESSED IN AN ISRAELI SOLDIER UNIFORM.

The channel followed that up with an edited version of Disney's Ratatouille, where the animated Parisian rodent uses his cooking tools for a genital cutting tutorial. Damn, I just made that up for effect and it's still not as bad as reality.

Greatest movie promo idea. Ever.

It can't possibly measure up to the awesomeness of Live Free or Die Hard! but I'm pretty damn excited for the Simpsons Movie. And you'll be able to pre-game with Duff Beer!