Save Joakim from himself

From John Hollinger's blog post yesterday:

So instead of more clichés from Sunday's media session, I'll share my favorite anecdote from Saturday night: About 10 minutes after the Florida-UCLA game ended, I was talking to another reporter near the entrance to the locker rooms. Joakim Noah had been doing some postgame interviews on the court, and just then he was returning to the locker room to join this teammates. As he ran (not walked) past us, he let out a hair-raising scream toward nobody in particular, for no apparent reason other than his team had won. Again, this was several minutes after a game that itself had been settled early in the second half. It's like he has Red Bull in his veins instead of blood.

Interesting potential Vegas line: how many games into Joakim Noah's NBA career will a disgruntled veteran power-forward/center in the ilk of Danny Fortson or Reggie Evans bash his head in? When he is no longer the big man on campus (or actually 23rd biggest man on campus after all the starters on the football team the school actually cares about), I doubt he will be able to pull off these Tarzan moments with his safety assured. Oh, I know a fun game, name the player on each NBA roster most likely to crush him like a little baby Gator:

Atlanta Hawks: Esteban Batista - Budding goon in the Slovenian Professional Basketball League.
Boston Celtics: Uhhh, I don't know, Kendrick Perkins? Surprise surprise, one of the league's worst teams has no legitimate enforcer.
Charlotte Bobcats: Walter Herrmann - Only because his name translates to Mr. Mann in German and he looks super shady. Otherwise a weak goon roster.
Chicago Bulls: Ben Wallace - Lots of potential Joakim-wackers on the squad, but I think you might have to go with Ben Wallace, instigator of the biggest brawl in NBA history.
Cleveland Cavs: Scot Pollard - Dirtay
Dallas Mavericks: Erick Dampier - Pretty darn nice guy lineup for such a dominant team. Dampier is pretty tame but scary nonetheless as a gigantic, jacked human being.
Denver Nuggets: Reggie Evans - A nose surgeon's wet dream.
Detroit Pistons: Rasheed Wallace - Damn, scary roster with Dale Davis, Jason Maxiell, Antonio McDyess, and Nazr Mohammed all contenders. But lest you forget, Rasheed Wallace is insane.
Golden State Warriors: Stephen Jackson - no comment.
Houston Rockets: Dikembe Mutombo - The Grandfather Goon could finger wave little Joakim into oblivion but I'm thinking he also dishes out a mean bitch slap.
Indiana Pacers: David Harrison - Jermaine O'Neal is probably too cautious in the post-Artest melee era.
LA Clippers: Chris Kaman - Semi-skillful goon whose looks strike as much fear as his fists.
LA Lakers: Ronny Turiaf - Looks like a warrior of some kind. Oh yeah, the killing kind.
Memphis Grizzlies: Alexander Johnson - Notice a trend? Another crappy team with no established enforcer. But Johnson is Mr. America-pumped up and probably willing to maim and/or kill for more playing time.
Miami Heat: Alonzo Mourning - He would cheapshot your grandmother. Good guy though.
Milwaukee Bucks: Ruben Patterson - 9/20/2000: Upon leaving a nightclub in Cleveland, Patterson broke a man's jaw after the man allegedly scratched his car.
Minnesota Timberwolves: Craig Smith - Potential to be a contender for the goon elite some day.
New Jersey Nets: Uncle Cliff Robinson - Surly and 21 years older than Joakim. Not one to take any crap.
New Orleans Hornets: Tyson Chandler - A default pick from a young team in need of goonifying. New York Knicks: Malik Rose - Tough dude.
Orlando Magic: James Augustine - By default. Dwight Howard is a prototype one-man killing machine physically but he prays a lot.
Philadelphia 76ers: Shavlik Randolph - Overhyped disappointment and likely to take his anger out on another potential overhypee.
Phoenix Suns: Kurt Thomas - Lone dirty work man on the run and gun squad.
Portland Trailblazers: Joel Przybilla - Not particularly menacing but seems like a loyal foot soldier willing to crush a skull here and there.
San Antonio Spurs: Bruce Bowen + Teammate X - I'm thinking the classic trip maneuver where Bowen gets on his knees behind Noah and Mr. X would push him over. I had to run many laps for pulling this off in Little League.
Sacramento Kings: Brad Miller - Almost suffered instant death from a near-miss (or is it a near hit? The Internet knows.) Shaq roundhouse a few years ago and lived to tell the tale. Probably still shaken by the event and thus dangerous, much like a wounded grizzly bear. Also looks like the prized fighter from a West Virginia coal-mining town.
Seattle SuperSonics: Danny Fortson - Hide the women and children. He eats barbed wire for breakfast while watching Cliffhanger.
Toronto Raptors: Joey Graham - Jacked and dispensable, perfect combo for a goon.
Utah Jazz: Rafael Arujao - A reprehensible basketball untalent with nothing to lose. I think Bush's preemptive strike doctrine should apply to stop his imminent goonery.
Washington Wizards: Brendan Haywood and Etan Thomas (tie) - Odds are they kill each other first.