Stop this man

Have you ever seen a bigger 74 year old shadeball than Jerry Buss? Fathers of America, you have been warned.


He was just arrested for a DUI and to the shock of no one, had a 23 year old gal from New York City in the car with him.

Kobe, you must escape from this cretin. I feel your pain. Chicago feels your pain. Let us ease your pain.

The Chinese don't mess around

Holy crapsidoodle. In China, you take a few bribes and are responsible as the shady head of Food and Drug Adminstration for the deaths of hundreds across the globe from faulty cough medicine and deadly scooby snacks and it gets you effin chair. This is the equivalent of throwing the FEMA head into the Grand Canyon after the disastrous response to Katrina. A bit disconcerting but at least they're serious about accountability eh?

Circumnavigating

Happy Belated Memorial Day. And be thankful you live in a country where you can throw as big a late night circumcision rager as you want.

World Briefing Asia
Tajikistan: Leader Plans a Small Wedding. For Everyone.
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
President Emomali Rakhmon called for legislation to limit the size and expense of weddings, birthday parties and funerals, saying the ceremonies had become too expensive and unjustified for the people of his impoverished country, a former Soviet republic. He told a group of lawmakers, clerics and intellectuals that guests at weddings should be restricted to 150; at a funeral to 100; and at a circumcision ceremony to 60. Mr. Rakhmon (formerly Rakhmonov) recently decreed that the Slavic ‘’ov” be dropped from the surnames for all newborns and outlawed gold fillings.

President of Poop

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=c28_1180051991

Think outside the bun and inside your own imminent fatness

Tis a great day. We rediscovered that Taco Bell is one of the lunch options on www.seamlessweb.com. And not just any Taco Bell, but Liberty Cafe & Taco Bell (Famous One). I swear that is how they are listed. Each person gets $13/day to spend on lunch and I'll just say that it goes pretty damn far at my favorite rat-infested Mexican deliciousness center. Here's the total order for 3 aspiring fat-mongers. I am disappointed to admit that the Yoo-Hoo masterstroke was not mine but my colleague's.

Spicy Crunch Wrap Supreme
$4.00
X 1 = $4.00

Crunchy Wrap Supereme
$4.00
X 1 = $4.00

Chicken Quesadilla
$2.99
X 1 = $2.99

Ultimate Chalupa
$4.99
X 1 = $4.99

Steak

Cheesy Gordita Crunch
$3.25
X 1 = $3.25

Grilled Stuft Burrito
$2.89
X 1 = $3.89

Steak
$1.00

Mexican Pizza
$3.29
X 1 = $3.29

Double Decker Taco
$1.49
X 1 = $1.49

Sourcream
$0.50
X 1 = $0.50

Guacomole
$0.50
X 1 = $0.50

Yoo-Hoo
$2.50
X 1 = $2.50

Order Placed: Friday, May 25, 2007 11:02:00 AM
Allocated Member
Expense Code
Amount
Dan Kaminski
$12.68

Jonathan Scharf
$12.68

Jake Provost
$12.68

Payment Information
Order Type
Line of Credit
$38.04
Firm

Product total:
$31.40
Sales Tax:
$2.64
TIP AMOUNT:
$4.00
Grand Total:
$38.04

For food or delivery related issues, please contact LIBERTY CAFE & TACO BELL (FAMOUS ONE) at (212) 758-5900
For billing questions or assistance, please contact SeamlessWeb at (212) 944-7755

iGasm

Brilliant. Except for the obviously getting sued part.

Something is rotten in the state of Mickey

Ahhh, so this is why they don't serve alcohol in the Magic Kingdom. The ban didn't stop these degenerates from Long Island but it could have been worse. Back in March, we foolishly pre-gamed before heading to Magic Kingdom and then showed up to find out the park is Arizonan ass-crack dry. Good thing in the end -- I was about 9 red stripes away from giving Goofy the saliva that he rightfully deserves.

The Fruity Mailman

I got a kick out of this little item about the preeminent prima donna athlete of the 90's, Karl Malone. He had a provision in his contract for a bowl of fruit to be provided in his hotel room. Something to think about the next time you negotiate yourself a raise -- what about the honeydew benefit plan?

New age of warfare?

Just some food for thought on the future of international head-butting.

Climate Change missiles

Uganda's President Yoweri Museveni recently called climate change “an act of aggression by the rich against the poor.”

Following the prescient words of my boy Yoweri, U.S. intelligence analysts are putting top priority on preparing "an assessment of the geopolitical and security implications of global climate change." By top priority I mean $48billion or "largest intelligence authorization ever considered by Congress."

Cybernetically improvised exploding devices

Estonia has been fighting off a cyber attack targeting prominent government, financial, and media websites. They've blamed Russia for orchestrating the attacks and have suggested it equates to "an act of war." The Russians definitely can be creative in their retaliation methods (see the Russia-Georgia Wine Wars). And coincidentally enough, the cyber attacks began on April 27th, in the middle of a public spat between the two countries over Estonia's removal of a Soviet Army soldier statue commemorating those who died fighting the Nazis in WWII.

Poo Bombs

Just kidding. But you never know.

Stonehenge renovation

The collaboration to end all collaborations: Ricky Gervais is joining Spinal Tap. In an upset, this tops peanut butter and jelly. Mmm mmm good.

I don't know. We made brownies, and I think we're dead.

Clip of the week

Kid knife fights -- Wednesdays at 8!

CBS came out with their fall lineup today and they seem to have hit the reality show jackpot and/or opened themselves up to ridicule and lawsuits. The premise: 40 kids between the ages of 8 and 15 build a new city in the ghost town of Bonanza City, New Mexico. The title: Kid Nation. No "Lord" or "Flies" in the title but I guess they don't want any self-fulfilling predictions of utter chaos that involve killing fat kids with glasses.

IMDB lists these particularly great taglines from the Harry Hook-directed 1990 Lord of the Flies movie:

No parents. No teachers. No rules... No mercy.

What separates Man from Beast? Not Much!

Billionaire spoiler

Mayor Bloomberg is supposedly ready to spend a cool $1 bil on a 2008 presidential campaign as a third party candidate. The dude is Ross Perot on non-annoying pills. This makes perfect sense. Especially if the 08 matchup is a non-Rudy Republican (read: socially conservative) vs. Hillary, Mikey Mike would come in and ruffle some serious donkey and elephant feathers as the centrist Presidential Candidate of Common Sense.

Poor Tommy Thompson

The White Sox' catchers coach got a World Series ring. He's one rung above slushee machine operator so I don't feel too bad about this because it's kind of absurd he got one in the first place. But the dude is selling his 2005 ring on Ebay.

www.ratemyteachers.com

This is pretty cool. Check up on your high school favorites or even tap your revenge mojo and post something nasty about jerk teacher X.

Oh Spock, you devil you

Put this one in the mildly disturbing file. Would you want this man taking photos of your overweight grandmama? Little did you know that the vulcan death grip was in fact not a death grip but a devious and irresistable sexual maneuver designed to woo the Ruth's and Esther's of the world!

Tough Love

http://www.stuff.co.nz/stuff/4053657a5620.html','64'

Ahhhhhnold aka "Mark Kaminsky"

Raw Deal: The government gave him a raw deal. Nobody gives him a raw deal.

The plot involved a heavily accented Austrian body builder going undercover in the Chicago mob.

Oh my god. Check out the 2nd song on the soundtrack. Heretofore my life's new theme song.

Save Paris (not in the WWII sense)

If you are ever feeling down about yourself and your own worthiness on this planet, at least you didn't sign a Save Paris petition. Or did you? At least Detective John Kimball isn't falling for it.

Paris Hilton, 26, who is facing 45 days in jail, filed notice of her intent to appeal her sentence and rehired her press agent amid a clamor by her fans that Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger of California grant her a pardon, The Associated Press reported yesterday. By filing a notice of intent, Ms. Hilton’s lawyers took the first step toward a formal appeal of her sentence for violating the terms of probation in an alcohol-related reckless driving case. The press agent, Elliot Mintz, 62, who was dismissed after taking responsibility for a “misunderstanding” about the terms of her probation that led to her sentencing, confirmed to The Associated Press that he is again representing Ms. Hilton. A spokesman for Mr. Schwarzenegger said it was “premature” for the governor to become involved in the case until judicial remedies had been exhausted. A petition that gathered more than 900 signatures by yesterday morning urged him to pardon Ms. Hilton because she provides “beauty and excitement” to “our otherwise mundane lives.”

Jesus, what is mundane? I guess a life of prancing around aimlessly and accomplishing nothing is in fact inspirational.

The Matadors

I call myself a Bulls fan and I didn't know about these guys?? Props to Lindsey for the knowledge.

There are nozzes and there are shnozzes

Allow me to set the scene. Suns-Spurs, Round 2, Game 1. Tony Parker and Steve Nash snash heads together. Parker goes unscathed. Nash, not so much.Explaining why Nash got effed up while Parker french toasted his way down the court unharmed, Manu Ginobili had this to say: "When you go head against nose, unless it's me ... you have a lot of chances to win."-- Spurs guard Manu Ginobili, explaining why Tony Parker survived his head-on collision with Steve Nash and poking fun at Manu's most famous facial feature in the process. [commentary on the quote from espn.com]

Dammit, I take pride in my big nosedness, and Manu can't even sniff the Shnoz Club with his moderately sized smell pistol. You might be able to call it a Noz Manu, but definitely not a Shnoz. Let's have a look.

There's a new shnoz in town.

Obama announces running mate!

I would like to thank our Dear Lord George Washington (I fancy myself a post-deist) for the creation of Gilbert Arenas.

http://www.spreadshirt.com/shop.php?sid=32049&search[text]=Obama

Is niiiice

News courtesy of Roach: http://entertainmentwise.com/news?id=31233

Dealbreakers

Let's review the concept of a dealbreaker. You think you might like a girl, but then you find out she dabbles in cutting herself and others. Dealbreaker. You really think this new job opportunity could be perfect, but then they tell you that Fridays are "deodorant optional" at the office. Dealbreaker.

You just might think this guy is a semi-palatable presidential candidate, but then you find out HIS FAVORITE BOOK IS BATTLEFIELD EARTH, AND HE IS NOT JOKING. HE ISN'T EVEN A SCIENTOLOGIST. THIS MAKES NO SENSE.

Dealbreaker.

Follow Up

I was just ranting before about the elusive concept of "clutchness" but leave it to a statistically-trained smarty pants friend like Adam Taubman to dig a little deeper. Here's our exchange on the topic with Taubman doing most of the interesting point-making (chronologically bottom-up):

On 4/27/07, Adam Taubman wrote:

i have more thoughts: even if we convinced loring to do the statistical analysis, we couldn't be certain that anything we find is the result of clutch-ness per se (i.e. a mental state) and not better explained by some independent skill. for example, if we include in the definition of clutch something like average or slugging percentage with the bases loaded, we couldn't be sure that such a situation doesn't affect how the game is played in a way that suits the player's actual, physical skills. everyone's average goes up in bases loaded situations because pitchers don't want to walk in a run and thus give better pitches to hit. but what if a player's average jumps up more than other players' because his swing and eye are such that his hot zone is really only in strike territory? or someone who normally swings freely and suffers by chasing bad pitches gets a comparative advantage because there will be fewer bad pitches to hit. another example would be someone who normally suffers because he is easily fooled or put off balance by a pitcher's delivery, but when the pitcher pitches from the stretch is a lot better. these guys might be shown to be better in clutch situations, even if they aren't really clutch in the strict sense of the term. we should write a book about this...

On 4/27/07, Adam Taubman <adam.taubman@gmail.com> wrote:
i nominate loring.and i agree with you. i don't like to call players clutch, and i don't like to give them credit for the perception that they're clutch. there really isn't anyone on the mets that i would say i want up in the 9th inning for a reason other than pure talent. and, if i were a gm, i would never try to get my hands on a player solely because he supposedly has special clutch, or even post-season, value.

On 4/27/07, Daniel Kaminski < daniel.kaminski@gmail.com> wrote:
But who has time or energy to do that? What I'm saying is for those who don't have that time or energy (i.e. 99% of baseball fans) we should base our opinions on players on season and career-long stats and shy away from claiming someone is clutch.

On 4/27/07, Adam Taubman <adam.taubman@gmail.com > wrote:
yeah, i hadn't actually read your blog when i wrote that. i guess all we can do right now is suggest that he is and then undertake some real statistical analysis.

On 4/27/07, Daniel Kaminski <daniel.kaminski@gmail.com > wrote:
My point is, how do you know Jeter is clutch?

On 4/27/07, Adam Taubman <adam.taubman@gmail.com > wrote:
i don't know if it's completely genetic, but i'd imagine it at least partially is. at the same time, however involved genes are, the conscious mind is an intermediary in the process, so experience probably has a lot to do with it too. another point: i think it's one thing to say that as a matter of statistics we will find, simply because of probability, some people who in the past have hit better in certain situations--that in a field of hundreds of players, there will inevitably be some who have hit in "clutch" situations, even if "clutch" as a personal characteristic doesn't exist. but also as a matter of statistics, once we have identified players who are clutch ( e.g. jeter) and study them going forward, whatever we observe becomes more significant. there no longer is that chance factor because we've isolated a subject and a hypothesis.

On 4/27/07, Daniel Kaminski <daniel.kaminski@gmail.com > wrote:
So is it a genetic thing whether adrenaline helps a person focus or not? I ranted a little more on this on the blog.

On 4/27/07, Adam Taubman <adam.taubman@gmail.com > wrote:
that's pretty awesome. and that is crazy, although i think there is such a thing as a clutch hitter (we learned in psychology how adrenaline can help you focus more or have the opposite effect).